Warning: This will sound like an ‘after school special at times’ and I will not get into any specifics. Just have a lot I would like to get off my mind. Sorry.
When I reflect on the almost 25 years of my life, the first word that comes to mind is relationships. I let them affect me, a lot.
Friendships, romantic relationships, family — they all hold a lot of weight with me. I guess, (as other people might also relate to) the relationship that I have always been worst at is the relationship with myself.
I am ridden with anxiety most of the time because I have very hard on myself. I am frustrated, annoyed, and critical of myself more than anyone who is currently in my life, or ever was.
I realize this can be very common — but today I realized that this point of view has made room for people to take advantage of me. I have allowed people to infiltrate my feelings because I believe that I am always wrong. I do not stand up for myself or my feelings. I am constantly frustrated because I am let down when others are not respectful of my feelings, because I always allow them to keep coming back and doing the same thing. I need to hold my head high and say enough is enough. Put myself first in this situation. I am the one in control of who I let in my life and who I allow to hurt me.
I have always had a hard time putting my feelings first and speaking my mind when it really matters. Relationships are hard, but when things become this complicated and I become this flustered, then I don’t think there is anything left for me and I must move on.
All of this is not to say that I do not have amazing people in my life — because I sure do. I have relationships that are based on honesty, trust, respect and unconditional love. I am so grateful for these people and tell them as often as I can how much I appreciate them and how they truly have my back — they are priceless.
But again, I am the one in control of who I let in.
This all comes back to one of my favorite lines, from one of my favorite books;
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Well, feels good to get all of that off my chest. Maybe I will actually sleep tonight.
As I am writing this post Jennie sent me a text with her own quote that I thing is great. It is from the film, The Last Kiss;
What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love that matters. That’s the only thing that counts.
Be kind to the people you love. Be alive.