thoughts of a lovely gal

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Going to see the new HP tonight because my roommate is a big fan. Up untill recently this was all I knew about the ‘wizard’ movie.

Lohan back in her hay-day.

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Friend at work offered this to me to help catch me up for the new movie tonight….

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Blogs From The Bathroom - Episode 1: 7 Days Left

I have a friend who put in their two weeks at a job they hated.

Great feeling. I have done it before.

So to commemorate the final days in the office, my buddy decided to document how they will be filling in those last 40 hours as they head toward unemployment — AND finding a job they love.

Enjoy this short series to explore how you can really waste time on someone else’s dime.

*Also to note this is the most aggressive thing that has ever been posted on my blog, but it’s very entertaining to read.

Enjoy!

Ever wonder what goes through someone’s mind when they have given their 2 weeks notice at a job they hate but still have to go into the office for those 2 weeks? Well let me give you some insight into the process in a series I call “Blogs from the Bathroom”… you know, since I shouldn’t be writing this at work.

“Episode 1: 7 Days left

Here’s the background story to this blog: I work as a Special Events Planner for a company in NYC. I work 12 to 14 hour days regularly, sleep about 3 hours a night, and have so much stress that I was getting physically sick. On top of this, I am a one man department overseeing relationships with 8 bars in the city, 2 event venues, and have an event staff of 15 reporting directly to me. Oh yeah: my boss thinks I don’t do anything, and after sitting in her office and telling her I was “ready to blow my fucking brains out” if I didn’t get any help, still hasn’t gotten me any help in 4 months. But this is not a blog about complaining about a shitty job, but instead one of taking matters into my own hands… because I put in my 2 weeks notice this past thursday and am getting the fuck out of here.

I have never really quit a job before, so I wasn’t ready for the awkwardness that is the 2 weeks you still have to work in a 2 weeks notice. Its kind of a grey area between employment & unemployment, between caring a little and entirely not giving a fuck, between being a contributing member of society and becoming the party animal that you can’t actually afford to be. This is my attempt to document some of the things I’ve been doing in the office to make it look like I have been working when in all actuality I am doing less work then I ever have in my life.

Today’s task to occupy my attention span (or lack there of): Office DJ. In my office, we play music so we don’t all flip our shit and turn this stressbox into an updated, flabbier version of “Fight Club”. Usually, the music is some indie hipster brooklyn crap, but I decided to flip the script today and play DJ via Hostile Takeover. Today’s playlist has included Mos Def, Every Time I Die, Metric, Kanye West, Lifetime, I Am The Avalanche, A Tribe Called Quest, and Blood For Blood. No, that is not a list of records returned to Newbury Comics by 8 random people, but that has been the soundtrack to low productivity all day today. Has it pissed off some of my coworkers? You betcha. Do I give a fuck? Absolutely not.

The other way I found to pass the time today was trying to figure out all this SOPA shit thats taking place. Look, the internet is like Unicorns, Janet Jackson’s super bowl titty, and david bowie’s sexuality: they are all things that appear out of thin air that you just don’t fuck with. No one is going to be taking away the internet. Its not going to happen. Im not blacking out the internet, so the internet should stop blacking out today and fucking up my carefully crafted time wasting plans for the day. Get over it, move on. Free porn, wait sorry, I mean “the internet” isn’t going anywhere.

Well, I think its time to go back to my desk and get back to work (ed. note - resume DJ skills). Until tomorrow… stay employed, unless you hate that shit. Then tell it to fuck off.

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Blogs From The Bathroom - Episode 2: Loud Noises

Here is another great post from my friend who has just put their 2 weeks in at a job they hated! Warning: today’s adventure might hurt your ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy!

Ever wonder what goes through someone’s mind when they have given their 2 weeks notice at a job they hate but still have to go into the office for those 2 weeks? Well let me give you some insight into the process in a series I call “Blogs from the Bathroom”… you know, since I shouldn’t be writing this at work.

“Episode 2 - LOUD NOISES.

So let me start off today by saying the following: I know that I am brash, swear, and may be borderline vulgar. I also know that the lovely person who runs this blog is none of these things. That being said, please don’t let my dumb ass scare you away from her blog. She isn’t condoning what I say, or how I say it, but instead is giving me an outlet here to rant like a sailor who knows how to type. Just wanted to take a second to thank her for that and acknowledge that I’m aware what I say is a bit of a change of pace for her site.

That being said… I am bored out of my skull today. Also, my boss is not in the office until next week, so I plan on fully taking advantage of that while I can. But one can only surf Gawker and Facebook for so long, which leads to today’s challenge: see how long I can go by ONLY speaking through the megaphone I have on my desk. Seriously.

I have had a megaphone on my desk for months now. You may ask why do I have a megaphone? Why the fuck not?! Do you know what having a megaphone is like? Its like having a second dick that you can use to yell at anything and everything. Seriously, even though I would never be one, I see why cops enjoy their jobs: because their cars have megaphones in them. Its liberating, and I have used it to both compliment and call people out as I see fit. I will say this, however: if you are thinking to yourself “man, I want a megaphone at my desk!”, don’t do it unless you’re willing to get yelled at by your boss A LOT. She’ll eventually laugh it off and call you nuts, which she kind of may be right about, but you’re going to have a lot of lunch meetings about how you “can’t say ‘relationships are for pussies’ while at work, let alone through a megaphone” and how you aren’t supposed to “yell at HR from across the office” with it. Just saying, you’ve been warned.

I also want to take this chance to remind you that I did NOT get fired from this job, but I quit it. I was able to get away with this shit due to the fact that I am good at what I do, and would be working until midnight routinely, so you gotta find ways to break the tension. My method: a megaphone. Also whiskey in coffee, but mainly the megaphone.

So today’s megaphone experiment went exactly as I planned: 15 minutes in and one complaint. 10 minutes later a “really? this needs to stop”, to which I replied with 2 minutes of silence and then the siren noise on the megaphone. 3 minutes later was the death threat from the person who sits in front of me. Also, apparently responding to the death threat by yelling “Fuck You Bryan, I’ma live my life!” into said megaphone isn’t the best response to threats of violence, as I found myself on the receiving end of roughly 100 bouncy balls at high rates of speed. Ah… Thursdays.

Total time speaking through only a megaphone: roughly 30 minutes.

5 and a half days to go.

Until tomorrow, stay employed. Unless you hate your job, then say fuck it and piss off everyone with a megaphone until your life is threatened.

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Blogs From The Bathroom - Episode 3: The Great Escape

Today we are testing to see how you can manage to escape early on a Friday… seems pretty easy from this post.

Also if you are just joining our little almost unemployed saga, here are parts 1 & 2 to catch you up.

“Blogs From The Bathroom – Episode 3: The Great Escape

I’m really starting to get into the homestretch of my 2 week notice now, and have officially passed the halfway point. Because of this I decided to celebrate last night with some friends, some reasonably priced libations, and some bad fast food decisions. As we all know, the combination of these followed up by having to work the next morning rarely ends in a situation you are looking forward to being a part of. Instead you feel like your job is the curb and you just took a stomp to the head from Ed Norton in American History X. As a result of this, my mission for today was simple: get the fuck out of dodge as quick as possible.

Oh yeah, one other thing: I’m typing this on a train out of NYC at 2:30pm. Allow me to explain…

I had been planning to leave the city this weekend for other commitments that are going to be way more enjoyable than having to work Saturday and Sunday. I’ve known about this for at least a month or so, and not only had I not told anyone at work that I would be leaving, because that would make sense and clearly that’s not my style, but I hadn’t booked my train ticket as of earlier this week. If you’ve read episodes 1 and 2 of my little memoir here, you’ll have an idea of how this week has been going. If you haven’t read them yet, what the fuck are you doing reading this? Be like a normal person and go start from the beginning, freakazoid. I bet you wouldn’t start reading Twilight at book two, would you? Of course you wouldn’t! I am giving you real literary gold here, way better than that vampire bullshit! Go read it!

Sorry, blacked out for a second. Where were we? Oh yeah, so this week has been boring as shit and entirely counterproductive which led me to think… will anyone even notice if I leave? I decided that a) I don’t think so and b) I am at the point where I legitimately don’t give a fuck anymore so I booked a train outta town for 2:00pm to try and push the limits. Worst case scenario: I get an extra week paid vacation next week. Worth a shot if you ask me.

This morning I made it in to work at a respectable time of 11:30am and found that I wasn’t the only one looking to get away asap: there were three people in the office. I might as well have been walking into a funeral, because the vibe in the room was all dismal and weirdly quiet. (ed note: Speaking of funerals, RIP Etta James) After completing a solid half hour of work needed to prep staff for the weekend, I made the decision everyone makes on Fridays: It was time to stop working and make a spotify playlist for my grand exit. I mean, either way I was getting paid to sit there, so I might as well enjoy it and do something that matches my current definition of productive.

Around 1:30, after being in the office for a whopping 2 hours, it was time. I got up, grabbed my bag, and walked to the train station like it was no big thing. Gotta love being a salaried employee: doesn’t matter how many hours you work, you’re still getting paid the same amount. Well, after stopping and getting a magazine for the ride, I picked up my ticket, boarded the train and realized I had actually pulled it off. As the train continues chugging away from the city and the suburbs streak by my window, I can’t fucking believe I got away with this.

So to sum it all up: I’m off to an undisclosed location to attend an undisclosed event and I should still have another two hours in the office. I could really get used to this 2 weeks thing…

Until Monday, stay employed. Unless you hate your job, then just say “Fuck it, I’m outta this bitch” and hop the next train outta town.”

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Blogs From The Bathroom - Episode 4: Ain’t so funny, meow is it?

It’s Monday and there is still time to be wasted. See how my buddy has spent a boring Monday back in the office.

You can also catch up on the other episodes here.

Ya’ll enjoy this meow.

Blogs From The Bathroom - Episode 4: Ain’t so funny, meow is it?

Hello my fellow procrastinating friends! Let me start off this blog by saying that I’m not sure today’s will be as rambunctious as last week’s blogs. Why? Because its Monday, for one, and also because I actually had to do some stuff in the office today… because my boss is back.

Mainly today has been spent putting out fires from the weekend’s events, which for some reason were plentiful this particular weekend. Exciting? About as exciting as having oatmeal for breakfast. (ed. note - Oatmeal is the beige house of breakfast food. If that’s your go-to, Im sorry but you suck) I have had a little time away from that stuff today, though, which led me to today’s challenge: pull a “Super Troopers” and see how many times I can switch “meow” for “now” in conversation.

This was actually suggested to me over the weekend by a family member of mine, and I don’t know why I haven’t tried this one sooner. As someone who mumbles half the time anyway, I thought to myself “This should be easier than Lindsay Lohan desperate for cocaine”, but holy fuck I was wrong. Do you know that when you have a conversation with someone in a business setting, most of the time they actually pay attention? My mind was blown to find this out, because i’ve been saying I needed help here for 4 months and that fell on deaf ears, but the second I start having some fun and making cat noises in the office I am heard as if I was standing behind the presidential podium announcing that I’m giving everyone a cool million cash. Go figure…

Essentially, I got away with 3 “meows” before the goddamn HR person caught on and ruined all my fun: “Oh my god, is that from Super Troopers?? I loooooove that movie!!” I guess thats what I get for often yelling at them from across the office via megaphone. Fuck you, Karma. I hate you.

So its 3:30pm on a Monday, I am out of creativity for the day, and I am desperately trying to look busy and most likely failing miserably at it. Looks like its time for me to do the only thing I can rationalize right now: go an take an hour lunch break even though we normally don’t even get a break because why the hell not. Nothing is going to get done today anymore, at least at this workstation, and the batteries in my megaphone have died… fuckin’ mondays, am I right?

Until tomorrow, stay employed. Unless you hate your job, then drop your seat as low as it goes, hide behind your iMac so no one can see you, and watch Hulu until 6:00pm.